I'll never let go, Jack....I'll never let go

There's an article all over my FB news feed lately called Don't Carpe Diem.  Seriously.  Everyone and their mom is sharing this thing.  Like it's the best thing ever written.  Like every mother should read this and love it.

Well I couldn't even read it in its entirety until just now.  I clicked on the link a few weeks ago when it was posted for the first of about a thousand times.  I hated it. 

Here's a little back story:

Every now and then I start thinking.  My mind gets away from me and starts contemplating things I don't want to contemplate.  Aging. Dying. Mortality.

It's happened before.  Lying in bed with Nate asleep next to me I listen to the rhythm of his breath, and with my ear to his chest I hear the love song that is his heart beat, and I think:  what a miracle it is to be alive.  How amazing that something as fragile as a heart can be so vital to sustaining our very existence.  How incredible that we rely on the pumping of this delicate organ to keep us here.  And I get scared.  My body goes numb and I have to hum some mindless tune, watch some brainless comedy, read something distracting.  And then I fixate on those thoughts-  which is worse, to outlive Nate or leave him alone?  How could either of us survive without the other.  Eventually these thoughts come less and less often and I can forget about the inevitability of it all. 

On Christmas Nate was talking about a 92 year old woman he met while working and the amazing condition she is in.  Works out every day...wouldn't even guess how old she is.  I thought, wow...that certainly won't be me.  I don't live healthy at all.  How horrible is that?  And eventually her body will give out on her even though she treated it so well...yes it will be at a very old age, and most likely without too much hardship, but it will happen.  And with these thoughts I had to take myself out of the room to call my mother panicking.  I sat on the floor in my bedroom and cried on the phone with my mom. 

I'm going to die.  I'm going to get old and I'm going to die. 

And now that I'm a mother these thoughts revolve around my children.  Leaving them.  Them grieving.  Them growing old and dying.  I think:  I didn't ask for this, I didn't agree to this.  No one asked me if I would like to exist, if I wouldn't mind being created and born... to eventually die.  And I look at my babies and I am almost sorry to do that to them too.  At the height of my panicking (it's been weeks now) I felt overwhelming guilt.  As if I was killing them.  As if by bringing them into the world to begin with, their death is my fault. Even now, the sight of their beautiful smiles catches me off guard and for a second I'm choked by this guilt.

Is that not awful?  It's disgusting right?  And it was around the time that I was feeling the worst of this that I first read the above mentioned article.  I couldn't even read the whole thing because it just made me sad.  Yes it's true every mother (and father) has those moments that are just impossible.  You just CAN'T enjoy every moment.  But, my God, do I want to!

So I decided to disagree with this article.  I WILL carpe diem.  I will carpe and I will carpe tight!  I will hold on to the diem with all I have in me.  And honestly, I feel like I have been happier since.  I feel like things have been going more smoothly. 

Whether it's because I am keeping busier in order to escape my own thoughts (which in turn keeps Oliver active and entertained and thus better behaved), or because I am consciously soaking in every moment (each caress, sight, smell, and sound) that I spend with my boys, or maybe because I am now accepting how little things matter in the long run (so what if Oliver does this, or doesn't do that)... I just feel like life has been a little better around here lately.  I perceive Oliver to be behaving better (Nate would disagree lately).  I am just adoring my baby Owen.  I'm so at peace lately (when I'm not thinking too much, that is).  So I will carpe diem.  And I'll never let go.

I read the article in its entirety tonight.  I now have less of a problem with it because it does wrap up quite nicely (and because I have bombarded myself with considering mortality so much that I'm moving into the acceptance phase of my thought cycle).  There are those moments in each day that take the cake.  The "aha" moment that makes everyday enjoyable.  I agree with that.  But still, I choose to carpe.

Halloween Part 2: Anniversary & Reality Checks

Monday was kind of special around here.  It marked 2 years of wedded bliss for Natey and I...AND... it was Owen's first halloween.

We kept things pretty chill.  Oliver had yakked twice the night before so we spent the day relaxing and keeping an eye on his behavior.  He seemed pretty normal.  Phew.  He was in a very helpful mood actually and helped feed the baby his second ever bottle (Nate gave him his first bottle the night before).

Oliver seemed to nap well that afternoon, but then he woke up whining... which is never good.  It usually means an antsy, hard to please, still tired mood.  So I brought him out to the couch, propped him on the pillows and cuddled him up with a blanket.  He loved it.  Too much.  If he forgot how comfortable he was and moved, he would get upset and need me to tuck him in again.

This made me nervous.  He was so not himself.  But I kept telling myself the mood was emotional, he must have had a nightmare and it through him off...not illness related (turns out the kid had a case of mud-butt on the way, gross!).  This mood was a serious threat to my perfectly laid plans.

I could only hope that Nate's arrival home would pep up our boy a little bit.  And it did.  A package from Mema and Pepere in NH helped too.  Oliver got an awesome Monster Mash sound book... he totally gets a kick out of it!  Owen got a giraffe... can you tell how super psyched he is with it?!

So here's what was SUPPOSED to happen. Well first of all, it was supposed to be warm. Not so much. Nate was supposed to get home early and we'd take Oliver trick or treating early, before it was too dark and too cold. He was going to love it, walking down the sidewalk like a big boy and going from house to house holding up his pumpkin bucket and saying "Cheek-chee" (trick or treat) and "Buh-bye." Then we were going to come home and hand out candy to adorable children in adorable costumes.

What did happen:

Oliver was mellow.  We were concerned.  It was getting colder and colder and apparently Halloween doesn't start around here until it's pitch black.  Doesn't anyone have young kids around here?  We couldn't wait that long to bring him out... but we also didn't want to be the only schmucks ringing doorbells at 5:30.  So right as we decided to stay in for the night and sit down to dinner the doorbell started ringing.  FINALLY!  It was only pitch black out!

Oliver had a BLAST running to the door when the bell rang and handing out candy.  He said trick or treat, thank you, and bye bye... a very friendly candy hander-outer.  Eventually he let us put on his batman PJs...his costume for the evening.

It turned out to be a great night...totally different than what we expected, but once again our toddler taught us a new way to appreciate and enjoy things on a simple scale.

And after Batman (and the stupid group of teens ringing our bell after the light was off at like 9:30...WITHOUT costumes! grrr) retired for the evening, Nate and I plopped down to watch a movie together.  He had stopped at a Red Box on the way home and surprised me with the new adaptation of Jane Eyre.  So not his cup of tea... just another example of how much he loves me and knows that hauntingly romantic movie would be perfect for Hallowedding Hallow-versary.  And of course being the old folks we are... we couldn't make it through the movie and had to resume it the next night.

(PS- I didn't love the movie...wanted to... but as always, book was MUCH better!)

This picture cracks me up.

Drinking out of a cup like a big boy, while sitting in a baby seat with the illusion of muscles and monkey socks....priceless.



Halloween Part 1: Music Together & Mall Trick or Treat

Oliver got his first dose of Halloween on Friday when we crashed a mother's group party at our bestie's house.  Saturday morning he was very happy to once again don his "arrrrr" (Oliver speak for pirate costume...not to be confuse with "garrrrr" for bear...any bear- teddy, panda, koala, grizzly, polar) to wear to music class.  Owen was happy (as far as I'm concerned) to wear his Mickey Mouse costume.

Music class was wonderful as always!  Luckily, the freak October snow held off long enough for my mom to make the drive up from NJ since BDNP had to work that morning.  I don't know what I would have done without her help.  Well I know I would have been stubborn and brought both boys to music class solo, but I'm glad I didn't have to... I'm not ready for that just yet! 

I'll just post a pic or two now... I have a feeling I may put more in another post because once I get going about Music Together I can't stop!

From class we drove over to the mall where Nate met up with us for the safe trick or treating.  It seems like fewer and fewer stores participate in this every year, which is a bummer because there are a crazy lot of kids who attend and the candy runs out way too quick.

It took Oliver a few times, but he warmed up to the idea of trick or treating.  It was so beautiful.  My heart broke just a little bit watching him go up to get candy and hold up his bucket... big brown eyes wide and shining with wonder at this new experience.  Nate says he even said trick or treat a few times... well his version of trick or treat, which is "Cheek-chee"...kinda.

He's just getting so big.  So independent.  It's happening way too fast for me.  The ride home from the mall took longer than normal (nasty slushy snow!  With the precious babies in my car you can be sure I took my time!).  As expected Oliver fell asleep in his carseat, and my heart broke even more gazing on that sweet little face- safe, secure, content and chubby.  I love how cute he is sleeping in the car (hate that it screws up his nap schedule, but love the cute!).  But it makes me so sad looking at the smoothness of his cheeks, listening to the adorable sound of his breath in it's sleepy rhythm... because I can't keep it.  That face won't be there forever.  That cheek will be rough and stubbly someday.  That sleepy inhale will be a man's deep snore.  And I will love that man because he is my baby... but you can bet your life I will miss that baby with all my heart.  I already do, and he's still right here.

Owen was there too... but he had no idea.  Sleepy kid.

"Memmy Memmy"

Nesting is pretty much in full swing.  You know, now that I can pretty much have this baby any second and there is still loads that can be done! Yeah, so I figure it's time to get busy.   Well, stay busy.

I am still head over heals in love with the nursery set we chose for Oliver- Alphbet Soup by CoCaLo.  But when we picked it for Oliver it was already making its way to all the clearance shelves as a discontinued theme.  We snatched up as much as we could whenever/wherever we saw pieces of it.  And now that it is impossble to find... I want to buy more of it.  Thank God for the internet!

I ordered the valences and hamper that I've wanted since January 2010, and we made the decision to go with the wallpaper border since the chairail we were planning on putting up in the nursery is not going to happen any time soon...I think my MiL is the most bothered by this- since the day we moved in and I mentioned a chairail she has wanted to get it up!  Well after tons of searching I was able to find the border on ebay, confirm with Nate that we should order it, then I closed the laptop to go eat dinner...and forgot to go back and order it!  Now it is NOWHERE to be found.  So bummed.

Last night Daddy hung up the curtain rod for the valences.

Of course... Oliver needed to get in on the action.  He even brought his own tools.  He is a regular "Memmy Memmy" (which happens to be Oliver speak for "Handy Manny"...oh yeah, he can say that but he still calls me, his MOMMY, "Ba".  I would so be cool with being called Memmy, but no, I am Ba).

Here he is using Felipe to help daddy tighten screws. 

Obviously a hammer, measuring tape and plyers are needed for this job...of straightening out the already hung valence.

Since the boys are sharing the room and I still love the set so much we are splitting it up between the two cribs (well, soon to be two cribs...we finally picked one for Owen now need to order it). 

 Oliver will have the printed dustruffle, a plain sheet, and the printed comforter... there is also a blanket he can have for now since the baby won't be using those for a while. Owen will get a solid dustruffle, printed sheet and the crib bumper. Yes I will use a bumper...call CPS if you must, but I believe (unlike the city of Chicago apparently) that it is up to the parent whether or not they want to use it, AND to use it responsibly. Don't get me started on recalls that are really just a matter of negligent parenting! Umm... tub seats and video monitors anyone? Those issues were whose fault, really?

ANYWAY... with the crib set split between the two boys, I am loving how the window valences, lamp and hamper tie the theme together as a shared space for both of them.  I am considering getting the rug, but not sure if I want to spend $35 on that tiny little thing.  And now to figure out the border issue. 

If anyone comes across any Alphabet Soup items, let me know!

Puddin' Head

We are by no means the perfect parents.  There's a lot we don't know and a lot we question.  But one thing I love about us is how laid back we are.  In my opinion one of the most important aspects of parenting is realizing that there are big deals and not so big deals and that sometimes a precious memory can be disguised as a messy one.

Me: "Ummm, so you just handed him the pudding cup?"

BDNP: "Look how happy he is."

Me: "Don't clean him up 'til I get the camera."

I love the way he looks at his daddy. So much admiration in those big beautiful brown eyes.  And look at Nate's eyes too...can't you just see the love pouring out of them.  This man gets a kick out of his son!