Easter

This was my baby's first Easter.  Baby's firsts are so sweet.  Every now and then throughout the day I would remember and give him an extra squeeze and a kiss.  And then I remembered that it was Oliver's third Easter... THIRD.  Already my little boy has been around for three of these?!  Three may not seem like a large number, but to me it is! It means my baby Oliver is getting older and older.

Saturday was our first annual egg hunt.  Super fun.  Just loved being able to spend the day in our own yard! And so happy the weather was just perfect!

Sunday I hosted Easter for the first time for some of my family.  Thanks to Pinterest, I think everything went well.  Got some really great brunch ideas and decoration inspiration on that site... all easy and successful.  Score.

My one Easter regret- 

...not getting a picture of my handsome little cuties in their Easter best.  The opportunity just never came up between me being in the kitchen getting things ready and you know... that two year old ability to sit still was just not working out.  Then Oliver came inside from playing in the yard with hives (second day in a row...whats up with that!?) and in my attempt to get some Benadryl down the hatch I triggered that insanely sensitive gag reflex and got puked on. Twice.   ::shudder::   So for the rest of the day Oliver's Easter second-best was his set of red firetruck PJs.

I'll never let go, Jack....I'll never let go

There's an article all over my FB news feed lately called Don't Carpe Diem.  Seriously.  Everyone and their mom is sharing this thing.  Like it's the best thing ever written.  Like every mother should read this and love it.

Well I couldn't even read it in its entirety until just now.  I clicked on the link a few weeks ago when it was posted for the first of about a thousand times.  I hated it. 

Here's a little back story:

Every now and then I start thinking.  My mind gets away from me and starts contemplating things I don't want to contemplate.  Aging. Dying. Mortality.

It's happened before.  Lying in bed with Nate asleep next to me I listen to the rhythm of his breath, and with my ear to his chest I hear the love song that is his heart beat, and I think:  what a miracle it is to be alive.  How amazing that something as fragile as a heart can be so vital to sustaining our very existence.  How incredible that we rely on the pumping of this delicate organ to keep us here.  And I get scared.  My body goes numb and I have to hum some mindless tune, watch some brainless comedy, read something distracting.  And then I fixate on those thoughts-  which is worse, to outlive Nate or leave him alone?  How could either of us survive without the other.  Eventually these thoughts come less and less often and I can forget about the inevitability of it all. 

On Christmas Nate was talking about a 92 year old woman he met while working and the amazing condition she is in.  Works out every day...wouldn't even guess how old she is.  I thought, wow...that certainly won't be me.  I don't live healthy at all.  How horrible is that?  And eventually her body will give out on her even though she treated it so well...yes it will be at a very old age, and most likely without too much hardship, but it will happen.  And with these thoughts I had to take myself out of the room to call my mother panicking.  I sat on the floor in my bedroom and cried on the phone with my mom. 

I'm going to die.  I'm going to get old and I'm going to die. 

And now that I'm a mother these thoughts revolve around my children.  Leaving them.  Them grieving.  Them growing old and dying.  I think:  I didn't ask for this, I didn't agree to this.  No one asked me if I would like to exist, if I wouldn't mind being created and born... to eventually die.  And I look at my babies and I am almost sorry to do that to them too.  At the height of my panicking (it's been weeks now) I felt overwhelming guilt.  As if I was killing them.  As if by bringing them into the world to begin with, their death is my fault. Even now, the sight of their beautiful smiles catches me off guard and for a second I'm choked by this guilt.

Is that not awful?  It's disgusting right?  And it was around the time that I was feeling the worst of this that I first read the above mentioned article.  I couldn't even read the whole thing because it just made me sad.  Yes it's true every mother (and father) has those moments that are just impossible.  You just CAN'T enjoy every moment.  But, my God, do I want to!

So I decided to disagree with this article.  I WILL carpe diem.  I will carpe and I will carpe tight!  I will hold on to the diem with all I have in me.  And honestly, I feel like I have been happier since.  I feel like things have been going more smoothly. 

Whether it's because I am keeping busier in order to escape my own thoughts (which in turn keeps Oliver active and entertained and thus better behaved), or because I am consciously soaking in every moment (each caress, sight, smell, and sound) that I spend with my boys, or maybe because I am now accepting how little things matter in the long run (so what if Oliver does this, or doesn't do that)... I just feel like life has been a little better around here lately.  I perceive Oliver to be behaving better (Nate would disagree lately).  I am just adoring my baby Owen.  I'm so at peace lately (when I'm not thinking too much, that is).  So I will carpe diem.  And I'll never let go.

I read the article in its entirety tonight.  I now have less of a problem with it because it does wrap up quite nicely (and because I have bombarded myself with considering mortality so much that I'm moving into the acceptance phase of my thought cycle).  There are those moments in each day that take the cake.  The "aha" moment that makes everyday enjoyable.  I agree with that.  But still, I choose to carpe.

Better (Extremely) Late Than Never

I still haven't gotten to Christmas.  Here it is in a nutshell:

Oliver- his reaction to us telling him we heard Santa in the living room while we were sleeping was jut priceless, and his reaction to finding what Santa left was perfect.  This was a really fun Christmas with him.

Owen- he was in such a wonderful mood for this, his first Christmas.  He had just gotten to the stage where things are beginning to get interesting to him, so he had a positive reaction to several of his toys.

Me and BDNP- we were just so happy to have given our boys the most wondeful Christmas.  And pretty proud of ourselves that Santa's spread was all ours.  Unlike the year before, we were able to give the kids plenty without needing to use the Xmas eve gifts from family to create the massive toy drop.  AND we were so very happy that Oliver's favorite gift was the train table that Santa and his elves stayed up very late making in order to meet the deadline (because you know how Santa procrastinates)!

Xmas eve in NJ

Xmas morning in CT

And now that I've FINALLY posted about Christmas I feel like I've burst through the wall keeping me from my blog.  It just felt wrong to move on without getting this on here first.

Time flies...

...when you're having fun.

Seriously though, it does.  All of a sudden the holidays are over.  2011 is over. 

Someone hit fast forward and I never got to post all of our pre-christmas adventures.

Like that time we spent the afternoon and evening in downtown New Haven- letting Oliver walk around like the proud big boy he is, finding Santa for a family picture at the Yale bookstore, grabbing some burgers, and checking out the enormous tree on the green.

And then there was the time we decorate gingerbread cookies.  It was a train kit.  Broken of course.  We made the best of it, and it was probably better for Oliver this way.

And that time we went to the Musical Folk holiday sing along.  Oliver and I danced.  He smiled and I melted.

Oh.  And how about that time Oliver made a donation to the Salvation Army...

...and then refused to return the bell.

So all of that and I haven't even gotten to our Christmas yet!  Maybe by the 4th of July I'll be caught up.  Hopefully a little sooner than that!

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

Here is a little Christmas Flashback for you... Oliver's First Christmas

FYI- I'm crying right now, how can so much change in one year?  How can one year pass so fast?  How can I love someone so much?  Most importantly- how can I stop him from growing up and leaving me?!?!?!?!? MY BABY!!!!!!!

Whew...sorry.... dramatic moment passed.

Here we are at my mom's Christmas Eve. 

I felt so happy to be able to keep up this tradition. We went down to NJ that morning, and left that night to be back in CT for Christmas morning in our own house. And we are doing it again this year. I just don't have the heart to alter our Christmas eve tradition. I feel guilty changing things. My Aunts, Uncles and cousins all gather at my moms for dinner laughs and presents. And it's wonderful. I felt bad thinking we would stop traveling down for that once we have kids...like I was ruining everyone else's Christmas. But the truth is everyone is more than understanding that traveling is getting harder for us, and they are all willing to end this tradition. BUT I'M NOT! I just can't give it up. There is something about Christmas that turns me into a child and the thought of gathering and seeing WAY TOO MANY gifts fill my mom's living room excites me. And being goofy with my family just feels so wonderful. I am so thankful Nate knows how much this tradition means to me and is willing to keep making the drive as long as possible. Afterall, it's not even 2 hours.

Nate and his brothers had cardboard Santa Clauses with their names on them to separate the gifts on Christmas morning. My sister and I had shoes. Before going up to bed we would put our Christmas shoes (later slippers) under the tree. In the morning the gifts by my shoes were mine, and the ones by hers were hers. Easy. And in the middle was usually a big gift for us to share.

Putting Oliver's Christmas shoes under the tree was monumental for me. I snapped a cell phone picture and sent it to my mom and of course she cried. I NEED to remember to get shoes for Owen (I don't bother with shoes for a baby... but for this I'm going to have to)!

I could have stood back and looked at Oliver's Santa set-up forever!  I was so overcome with joy to see the abundance!  And I was so very thankful that 1) he was given so much by my family and 2) he is too young to realize that Santa was leaving him presents he had opened the night before!

Having a huge mountain of presents was important to me (even for his first Christmas) because that's what I remember about my Christmas.  I am so glad we decided to go down to NJ for the holiday because we just couldn't have pulled off Christmas without the help and generosity of family.

As a kid my Christmas morning was AMAZING.  So many gifts!  We were really spoiled...so much so that my main argument (and I argued it for a VERY long time) for the existance of Santa was "My parents CANNOT afford all that!"

My mom made Christmas happen... and she made it happen hard!  I was in middle school when I finally said "Mom, are you Santa?"  But I probably knew a few years before that and was just in denial.  I still am actually.

I still, as an adult, believe in Santa.  The magic of the season is so real to me... and I still hold onto this last bit of hope that one day I will wake up a mountain of gifts.  It happens in the movies right?!  (although I have an issue with movies where Santa is real and the adults in the movie don't believe...e.g. Tim Allen's Santa Clause... because the logic is flawed.  In this world Santa EXISTS so don't the adults realize they aren't the ones doing the gifting?  What is there not to believe in? oh Hollywood....get it right!)

I can't believe last year we were celebrating Oliver's first Christmas, and this year it's Owen's first Christmas.

It's going to be such a different "first Christmas", Oliver was 10.5 months old and able to participate in the holiday.  Owen's participation at 2.5 months will be far less, but my little little baby is growing so fast!  When I hold him he is pushing himself from myself and looking all over the place...enjoying all the holiday lights and decorations maybe? I like to think so.

Christmas Catch-up

Haven't posted in a while...been so busy trying to stay awake I just haven't made it on here.  So, hello blog...I've missed you. 

We crashed a holiday parade and tree lighting in Madison, CT a little while ago.  Seriously, it was such a small parade we drove about 30min for that we felt kind of silly, and I totally felt like we were intruding on something private and intimate...like everyone was looking at us and wondering what the heck we were doing in their town.  Whatevs.  That's just how we roll.

Like I said...parade was suuuuper small, but it was Oliver's first parade (scratch that... he did see a parade when we went to Sesame Place for halloween in 2010 but he was like, 9 months or something so it doesn't count as a memorable experience for him).  Anyway.  He seemed to enjoy it.  There were dogs, drums, tractors, and Santa Claus... his current faves.

There were hayrides being given after the parade.  He wasn't so sure about getting on so we let him stay back and watch it drive off, planning to get him onto the next ride.  The whole time it was gone he was making his "trrrrrrrrrrrrr" noise that he makes for basically any type of vehicle, and he was excited to catch a glimpse of it.  Next ride...Nate gets on with him, I am being helped on with Owen in his snap-n-go, and Oliver is trying to jump off the back into my arms.  Ok, maybe next year.  We really should have expected that based on the previous day's Touch-a-Truck experience.

We had lots of time to kill between events that day, and no opportunity for Oliver to nap, so by the time the tree lighting was getting underway we had a very antsy and borderline cranky toddler on our hands.  He was probably a little too young to care much for this event.  He wanted in and out of Nate's arms and wasn't really entertained with standing around and singing Christmas songs he doesn't even know.  He did pretty good though, considering (I'm learning to lower my expectations to his level....I was turning into the "This is fun dammit so have fun" kind of mom this holiday, so I had to put myself in check).

FINALLY.....the Big Guy arrived on a firetruck (thankfully! because sleighs just don't excite Oliver like a good firetruck does!)  When it was being announced that Santa was on his way to help light the tree Oliver started calling for him in his own high pitch language that only Nate, myself and his Nana understand: "Eayayaaaa?" Translation: "where are you?" 

And when Santa was getting down from the truck Oliver smiled and waved and it hit me that he is beginning to recognize this big red icon (it's only being crammed down his throat everywhere we go), and I was hit by a wave of emotion and Christmas spirit...so happy to be able to experience Christmas Magic through the eyes of my little boy.

He was pretty impressed by the tree lighting up and the size of it.  It turned out to be a very nice family day...and I didn't even have to force everyone to enjoy it.

Wordful Wednesday link up with Parenting by Dummies

Christmas Pictures

I have really enjoyed taking my own pictures of the boys instead of doing studio sittings... reason 1- we aren't in a position to spend money on that, and reason 2- I like being creative and pretending I can take good pictures.  Well it was easy when Oliver was a wee li'l babe... got a little difficult when he started rolling and crawling... got REALLY difficult when he could walk... and now that he's a little lunatic jumping around, it's just about impossible to sit him in a small space for a picture.

So here is what I got out of my Christmas "photo shoot" of the boys...not at all what I hoped for!

I was so angry!  Nate was trying to be my voice of reason "He's nearly 2...you're not going to get him to sit still...he's doing very well for hardly napping today"

Yeah yeah yeah.  But I wanted to get a picture that makes everyone tear up at the beauty of my two little ones this holiday season... so I was pretty bummed that my vision and the realities of having a toddler were (once again) out of sync.



At least I have Owen who is too little to ruin my photography aspirations.

I didn't get what I wanted but I did manage to get some passable photos for a Christmas card.  I can't wait for them to get here and to send them out!

Here is a sneak peek...

Thank Goodness

So my frustrated post yesterday was upsetting to some family.  And to any one else who found it disturbing let me be clear: I'm not bashing my kid.  I love him to itty bitty pieces...like Tiny Toons Elvira style love.  OK just googled it and her name is ELMYRA,  oops.  Anyway its still the same obsessive, sometimes a little too rough, eat him up because he's just so cute, I kinda want to hurt him (but I won't) kind of love.  Make sense?  Is EVERYONE disturbed now?  My work here is done.

AAAnyway... I wasn't putting him down yesterday, I was venting some frustration.  And I'm not worried about him one day reading because it's a real part of raising him.  Being a mom is not all butterflies and rainbows.  Also... he napped for 3 hours after those videos were taken so part of his frustration was him being tired.  And, I hope you see that whenever I post something like that I wrap it all up with a little moral.  Yesterdays moral came from the book quote I mentioned.  "Thank you for being the you that you are."  Reading that reminded me what a wonderful kid Oliver is and how thankful I am for every little part of his personality even when it drives me crazy, and reading that calmed me down and reminded me to just enjoy the ride with him.  And I know he is a genius and will get there.  It's not like I'm worried he won't speak, I just get a little frustrated because I am his mom and know what amazing things he is capable of.

Today was a MUCH better day for both Oliver and I.  He was in a very good and helpful mood all day, and I was well rested and enjoying all the love he had to give me.  It was a great day for reflecting all my "Thankfuls" in preparation for tomorrow.

1.  First and foremost I am thankful for my perfect children.  I am so thankful for their health.  For their perfect eyes, and noses and mouths.  Their perfect lungs and bronchioles and alveoli.  Their perfect hearts- atria, ventricles, valves.  For their kidneys, for their livers, for their spleens and duodenums.  Every little blood vessel, every single nerve, every gland doing its job, every synapse firing its fire.  I am thankful for every messy poop diaper and soaking pee diaper because it means everything is functioning in just the right way.  When you're pregnant you think: OH THIS TAKES TOO LONG! But really...can you believe 9 months is what it takes to build a human being from scratch!?  Considering the millions, billions, trillions, zillions of little itty bitty part in those itty bitty bodies, that they are born with all those parts working just right is a blessing I am so very thankful for.  Especially knowing there are others who didn't fare the same.  Still blessed, perfect in a different way, but with maybe a few more tears and hard days.

And if I ever forget to be thankful for this... here is my reality check: Notes from a Dragon Mom

2.  I am thankful for two easy conceptions for my two healthy pregnancies.  Apparently I have PCOS, but I'm not sure how confident that diagnosis was, especially two pregnancies later.  I thought I'd have a hard time, have to try a while, maybe need some treatments...maybe not be able to.  I am very thankful I was very wrong.

3.  I am thankful I get to be a stay at home mom.  It's really hard sometimes.  It's emotionally, mentally, and physically challenging on top of being financially restricing.  But both Nate and I are happy with our choice.  Like Nate has said, he never thought of himself as old fashioned and that this would be our lifestyle, but he can't imagine me working now and our children in daycare.  And I am certaintly greatful he feels that way, especially with how hard that means he has to work to keep things that way.

4.  I am very thankful for my parents.  Each of them can drive me B-A-N-A-N-A-S but call me a glutton for punishment I love being able to be with them.  I'm so greatful they don't mind the1.5+ ride to come see us, and that they do it so often.  I am so happy when I see how much they love their granchildren. And so happy they get to spend so much time with them.  And all the support they have given us helps make our lifestyle doable.  I remember telling Nate I wanted to wait on getting engaged until we didn't have my parents giving us money for anything anymore.  Well we are now married homeowners with two children and I will take a few bucks whenever they are offered!  Thanks mom and dad!

****There is a lot more I am thankful for but this post has been interupted...I have to go be a mom and wash puke out of PJ's and sheets.....still thankful though, still thankfull****

Wordful Wednesday (Thankful edition) Link Up with Parenting by Dummies